behind the mask

Can we look the same if we remove our mask?

There's tears behind smile; there's smile behind a cold expression. it's not that we want to be in this way, it's just that you feel safer to hide behind a wall;a wall that not everyone is patient and persevere enough to climb over...everyone is too busy to deal with their own lives.

Sometimes it just takes too much courage to open your heart and say the words that you really mean it; often, it turns out that what we say and what we actually wanted to say is not synchronized.  And what if misunderstanding arose from there? It's not unusual that we choose to keep quiet and let it be. Slowly, people distanced and disappear in your life. who to blame? 

We do not have the guts to confess and express freely because we are afraid of getting hurt and rejection, because the feeling is simply awful, and no one wants to look fragile in front of the rest.We keep guessing what's in another person's mind, how they think about us, how they judge us etc etc etc; and since we don't have the guts to be true to our feelings, we end up use our imagination to assume the conclusion, which might end up creates doubt, disappointment and resentment. 

However, if we keep hiding behind the safe zone and do not step out,  miracle is not gonna happen and nothing is gonna change. Take a step forward and we might be surprised with what it turn out to be. The question is, who, when and what can trigger this step to be moved?

July 2014

after so many years, finally officially a Singaporean. honest speaking, this does give me some sense of belongings; i guess its a good thing.

is this part of the plan for me?  bring me to oz please, at least a tour, and, i beg for your guidance for the next step of my life. i know i have been asking for your help, but i know You are always there to help me right?

thanks LORD.

2014 April

indeed. time heals.
recently feeling tired and lost about my work...but i guess it will be fine as time goes by...
i am still a lost child here, show me the way...

motivated again to learn canon in d...learnt so many things and gave up half way...disappointed in myself sometimes...but for canon in d, i wanna pick up violin again! and the dusty guitar at home...need better time management.

你好嗎

miss my mum, should i try that.........

as time goes by, 越黎越多的人會漸行漸遠， 有時候，想聯絡，但係竟然發現開始失去那個say hi 噶勇氣。無論如何，至少希望可以係internet 見到d update, 希望大家安好；希望你安好。你在我生命留下過陽光， 希望你記住噶，係初相識噶我，而且，可以原諒後來噶我。

不聯絡不代表忘記，只是失去了勇氣罷了。想念你們。

唉。 好像沒有甚麼考車運 T_T 

天吖， 讓我過了吧！！！！！！！！

mum said something that makes me feel better..." at least its not failing my academic exams".

isn't it true? 看開點，總會找到自我安慰的方法吧。

i dream of my mum and my grandpa who had passed away last night...it's strange...he appeared in my dream after so many years....hmmm i miss you grandpa...i miss you...mum...

and today is really a bad day...never met such rude person in my whole tuition life.....goshh.....

this is the first time being requested to meet the mum before tuition starts, and need to bring along my certs and stuff...she asked me to reach at 8.10. so i was early, around 7.50? she was like " i ask you to come on 8.10, why you come so early, please wait there, or talk to my son first". and then guess what, she continue to watch her korea drama...i was like @@ WHAT? So she set this ridiculous timing at 8.10 is all because of the korea drama, she never think of this timing makes me stuck in the middle and no activities can be plan.  VERY rude.  a normal person won't do this right? the person already here and just put aside and continue the drama. right.

and i talked to the son, and found out that his emaths is A2..i was like huh then still need tuition, he shrug. geez...so can tell how high expectation the mum is. so she inspect all my certs and results and stuff and even ask to see my IC. i was like ' huh this is like privacy" shes like nvm lar will forget one. so i showed lo. but i really dont feel comfortable with all these. just like 審犯。 she said contact my agent again wor...but nvm i won't wanna come here again. this is toooo scary.

好恐怖啊， 真係咩人都有。

有d人，真係招呼一次就夠啦，搞到like 應份甘， 我去別人家食飯都會不好意思，帶sor banana 啦, plus this is not my own house leh...他們不介意，我都5好意思lo... 有d f 可以隨時來，有d，就5了。

visited s.e.a aquarium...eh....not worth for the time quene-ing. will never go sentosa during holiday.

can touch the starfish...

the jellyfish reminds me life of pi

I want to contact u,but i know i can't...

真係5好隨便翻看舊照片，因為看著看著就笑了，但到最後，看著看著，就哭了。。。
太難。。。

原来爷爷入噶地方，比我想象中噶恐怖，听讲嬷嬷吾愿意入去探望，因为去到果边，见到噶情景，可能会令距更伤心，同胡思乱想。so i asked my mum, does that means, there is no way for my grandpa to return home? and if my grandma is not going there to visit, then when can they meet each other again?

we don't know.
really holding my tears.

grow up itself is not scary...but seeing your families around you getting old..is....

I am just sux at departure. can everyone just be by myside please?

no matter what happen, 要記住笑容應係我嘎招牌。

熟悉又陌生嘎face
appear in my dream again...and again...
the feeling of miss comes and goes...
好烦
好烦
好烦

傷口還在隱隱作痛，繼續自欺欺人吧，because life still needs to go on....
Please slap me on my face and tell me that,fairytales do not exist.

Almost lost my patience when i am waiting...oh GOD i know you have been always good to me, and i know you know how much i want to go OZ and meet my mum there - to do things with her, to exercise together, to hang out with her, to be with her...especially now that her best friend is not by her side. i don't wish to imaging how lonely she is. Its time, its really the time that you should bring us together again. This urge is getting stronger, i really hope that we can support each other physically.

Lord, i believe you have a plan for me. meanwhile, i will just do what i think i should do, and patiently wait for the good news to come.

Bless us. 

decided to convert those over emo post into draft....its time..its enough...its time to keep quiet...its time to stop saying...

just want to say that, i really feel happy for your graduation too...saw the photos and make me miss those auckland days...no regrets...and thanks for the memories.

会不会某一天，你已把我忘记，但我还在思念你？

recently having too many plans in mind...but not much action can be taken at the moment...messy mind...

11oct gonna go for  the driving test...hmmm hope can pass it at first attempt...

just hope things goes well... but i guess i am not working hard enough...how should i improve myself and realli know what i really want?

and come on..i realli hate myself for not being a punctual person.........if i still cant get rid of this super bad habit ... i feel so fail...come on come on!

九型人格分析

第四型	藝術型、浪漫者、自我型、憑感覺者 85%
第一型	完美主義者、完美型、改革者、改進型、秩序大使 75%
第二型	助人者、全愛型、助人型、成就他人者、博愛型 65%
第七型	快樂主義型、豐富型、活躍型、創造可能者、享樂型 65%
第六型	忠誠型、忠誠型、尋找安全者、謹慎型 60%
第九型	和平型、和平者、和諧型、維持和諧者 60%
第三型	成就者、事業型、成就型、實踐型 45%
第五型	智慧型、觀察者、思想型、理性分析者、思考型 40%
第八型	領袖型、能力型、挑戰者、保護者、權威型 40%

我的九型人格分析？

心，好重，好累。

Maybe ur right, before that, maybe i really expect more than it should be, and now i realise, your life is really completely well without me...i am totally just a "someone else" now...

你唔會再為我花心思，唔會對我有特別待遇，不會特別在意我說過的話，甚至，可能見面都可有可無。畢業那天，感觸特別大。你不會再花心機去找我對你說過嘎太陽花，可我卻意外地在別人手中收到了，那一刻，我實在有太多感觸。

4個月后嘅你，開心依然，點解4嘅月後噶我，還要流淚。

扮堅強真係唔容易，點都騙不了自己的心。真係好想大喊一場，但好難，有人在，會控制住。。。不過依家，真係覺得好辛苦，有好多心入面嘎說話想同你攤開講，但係接下來的幾日怕尷尬，所以講唔出。好辛苦好辛苦。

聽日希望可以按計劃，可以獨自在WAIHEKE 散散心，大喊一場，好怕壓抑到心痛。

發覺有D心事，真係只有同番女仔講，先會明白感受。因為D男噶，似乎根本不能理解我門的感受，因為他們永遠都那麼闊達，感情永遠都不是優先。

不夠理性的人總是輸家，例如。我。

好累了，不想想了。

被一个SHOW 里面个女仔嘎一句话感动佐：

“大家都知道分手后各有各生活，要MOVE ON, 但系做唔做到，又系另外一回事”。